


Change

by Honeyrobincreamcake



Series: Enigma [2]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alien Culture, Basically, Gen, Guilt, Internal Monologue, Lira San, Quasi-friendships, Redemption, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-11
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 03:24:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14608227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honeyrobincreamcake/pseuds/Honeyrobincreamcake
Summary: Sometimes he wondered why he was even with the rebellion if that was the truth if he could never pay back the debt he owed if he had condemned himself to a life of misery what was the point of fighting?Kallus mulls over his past and wonders if he can ever be forgiven.





	Change

**Author's Note:**

> Not much dialogue here except at the end, this was intended to more of an internal monologue than a story, but in third person. Kallus has a lot of areas that are left blank in the series, I’m kinda happy about that because it allows us to fill in the blanks!

Hoth was colder than he’d expected and even the large coat he’d been issued didn’t keep him warm. Kallus berated himself for his ignorance he should have known, but there were a lot of things he didn’t know it seemed.

Tilting his eyes downward he stared at the frost on his shoes, pressed against the wall he listened to the other rebels running by, they were always doing something, putting their time to good use, Kallus, on the other hand, had been out of sorts since they’d arrived his menial job as an errand boy for Mon Mothma had taken a back seat there was little need for his imperial knowledge or paperwork prowess, Zeb promised he would have something to do soon but he was lying, Kallus was not built to handle the manual labor needed on the base, he was an open ranged fighter, not a tank, he could program with the machines but the rebellion already had technicians and they didn’t trust him enough to let him inside their tech, once again Kallus was useless and had nothing else to do but loiter the tunnels plagued by his own dark thoughts.

Perhaps the rebellion was realizing he wasn’t the best choice, he was a criminal after all.  
Kallus had deceived himself during the early days, believing that since no one mentioned his past they had forgiven him, Zeb, Sabine, Hera, the rebellion. It seemed clear to him now that they were just watching, waiting to see if he was genuine, they had played a good game, Kallus hadn’t even known they were playing.

Now the charade was falling away and Kallus was sadly realizing the fictive family he thought he had was more fictive than not. Back in the empire this revelation would have set him on a passive warpath, like when he realized Konstantine never cared about him, his attempts to replace him with Pyrce had gone largely unnoticed it still worked well enough to soothe his ego, but the rebellion had tempered him and he had no one to replace them with, he was surrounded by former enemies who wanted nothing to do with him, what weak excuse of a family he had was back with the empire, but Pyrce was dead as were Konstantine and Tua, Yularen was gone, Swain and Jovan were in prison thanks to him and Lyste had probably been executed for Kallus’ crimes.

Kallus was truly alone.

There were no words for how upset that made him feel, yet it was exactly what he deserved. Kallus had spent his early days with the empire slaughtering the lasat and helping curse Zeb with the privilege of being the last of his kind, forced to carry the burden of knowing that his culture would die with him, there would be no kits to carry on his legacy worst yet he may have already kits during the siege who were lost that was a possibility Kallus was too terrified to ask aloud but it haunted him every night, there was no telling how much damage Kallus had inflicted on Zeb and his loneliness paled in comparison to that.

Zeb was the strand that connected him the family Kallus dreamed of having, the connections he’d formed with the others through his own power were largely negative, Zeb was the only one he managed to have a positive interaction with.  
  
Walking down the icy tunnel he tapped the wall with a loosely clenched fist listening to the quiet echo it made, their relationship was like that, he was the ice, Zeb was the fist that made him visible to the others in a way that wasn’t cold and lifeless without Zeb he was just a killer, a monster. Now he was doubting that connection and Kallus worried that he had deceived himself too much, how did the others really see him? Kallus had tried to kill Ezra the moment he found out the boy was force sensitive he would have succeeded as well if it weren’t for Kanan not to mention what he’d done to Kanan soon after that.

Kallus could still remember the methods he used to torture the older Jedi down to the smallest details, he doubted Hera had forgotten that, Ezra had made it clear during their brief stint together that he hadn’t, now that the boy was gone and Hera had given birth to a surprise he kept his distance, and it wasn’t because he was jealous as Zeb liked to tease, it was guilt plain, simple and utterly unbearable.

How was he supposed to look in the face of a child whose father he had brutally tortured and not feel like a monster?

Kallus was sitting in the corridor when the alarms sounded, he looked up just in time to see Jacen barreling towards him Zeb was close behind, the lasat glanced down at him incredulously.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

Zeb didn’t give him time to answer he grabbed him by the arm and tossed him unceremoniously over his shoulder then plucked Jacen up and ran down the corridor his footsteps sounded like thunder in the small area. Kallus didn’t bother asking what was going on, caught up in his thoughts he figured it didn’t really matter.

They were always on the verge of dying anyway.

By the time they escaped the system Kallus’ nostrils had closed up from being trapped in such a small area with Zeb, like before Hera had packed the ghost to the brim with survivors and Kallus found himself crushed against the wall behind Zeb and next to Jacen who was crying for his mother, in front of them was half a squadron of rebels balled up tightly as they could in a vain effort to make themselves as small as possible.  
Lasats had a distinct smell, fainter than a wookie but much stronger than a jungle cat, it was earthy and normally it didn’t bother Kallus, as long as he wasn’t subjected to it for an extended period of time, the first twenty minutes were a nightmare Kallus had to remind himself that the musk was a lot better than an unwashed human, he was thankful when his sense of smell gave out but it brought attention to the uncomfortable arrangement he was forced into.

Kallus contemplated fighting his way out of the mass, he could use the excuse of needing to visit the refresher no one would complain too much. But everyone was on edge, once again the empire had discovered them, once again they were running for their lives towards the unknown, Kallus was lucky to be there, if Zeb hadn’t picked that corridor he wouldn’t have ended up on the Ghost, at best he would have been separated from his “family” for good, Kallus didn’t want to contemplate the worst case scenario.  
It was funny really, once again Zeb had saved his life and once again Kallus was in debt to him just that much more.  
  
Could he ever pay off that debt?

Kallus’ time on Lasan may have been brief, but it was thorough and it had been exhilarating up until the next phase was ushered in, processing boring as it was it revealed the cruelty of the empire to him, he knew what the empire did to war prisoners and he owed the lasats a great deal of recompense for the part he played in it, but there was only Zeb, so Kallus owed him a great deal of recompense he was still trying to figure out how to repay.

Not only had he killed Zeb’s people, he had made it his duty to hunt the lasat down with blood on his mind there was hardly a moment he didn’t think about executing him when he was with the empire, every time they met Kallus struck him on every level intentionally or otherwise, he attacked Ezra and hurt the rest of the family Zeb managed to scrape together in the aftermath of Lasan and worst of all Kallus’ experience on Lasan hadn’t even put a pause in his efforts to get the wookies to slave camps.

When he had the time, Kallus would measure the good he had done for the rebellion against his shortcomings, providing information, saving Wren, risking his life, helping free Lothal none of it could hold a candle to his crimes not even when he compiled them all together.

Was the path he’d taken really his fault?

After all wasn’t he remolded in the image of a murderer?

From the very beginning the empire was interested in its youth, even before he could register he’d been privy to the seminars, the pledges, initiation began long before his academy days. The empire had given him the world back, dumped food on his “real” family’s table and water in their tubs as a child he had eternally grateful for the semblance of normalcy even if there was none in reality and from a young age he knew he owed the empire everything.  
Was it all the empire’s fault or was his blood to blame?

So sometimes he wondered, but he always came to the unsettling conclusion that it was his fault, unlike the clones he had freedom of thought, he wasn’t controlled by some chip he acted on his own accord and good intentions aside, his battle with the lasats was personal it had nothing to do with the empire or his ancestry.

Yes, It was his fault.

No, he couldn’t make up for it.

Sometimes he wondered why he was even with the rebellion if that was the truth if he could never pay back the debt he owed if he had condemned himself to a life of misery what was the point of fighting? There was more to life than what he wanted, there was more to life than feeling comfortable Kallus knew that but he didn’t like it, but it was the reason he kept on fighting because he couldn’t keep betraying himself by serving the mother of all monsters, he had to do the right thing even if didn’t get him the redemption he craved. Kallus spent the rest of the trip with his eyes he hadn’t even realized it until Zeb flicked him on the face, opening his eyes he was surprised to see the hall was empty.

“You okay?”

“Yes,”

The answer was more complicated than that, but from a certain point of view, it was true.

  
The substance was gummy, it stuck to his fingers and to be honest Kallus hated it but it was addictive enough that he kept eating it. They were in a tavern of some sort watching the ladies swirl in the middle of the room, the civilians seemed to be stuck in a time period that shouldn’t have even existed a millennium ago and he was there out of an act of altruism he couldn’t wrap his head around.

“I told you this would be a good surprise didn’t I?” Zeb said smugly motioning to the dancers. All lasats. When Zeb said he had a surprise to show him, Kallus had grudgingly followed him expecting it to be something stupid like a very shiny blaster on the black market, lasats had a strange fascination with sparkling things, or worse an actual surprise, like a surprise party.

Kallus hated surprise parties, he was convinced they were the reason blasters had safety switches.

Kallus had not expected a planet full of lasats, alive and well, not dead and rotting, he had almost started crying when he saw the first ship full of lasats, he did when he saw the planet. It wasn’t just from the relief of knowing he hadn’t murdered the entire species, but also the fact that Zeb cared enough to share it with him, this was better than a statement of forgiveness, it was grace.

And it made him feel even more broken.

Zeb had pulled him into an awkward one armed hug at his reaction.

“What’s wrong with you?” he had asked chuckling quietly.

The rebellion had turned him into a blubbering baby, but Kallus wasn’t going to own up to that, he laughed off the question, Zeb should have already known. They ended up in the tavern after walking through the town for an hour, the lasats were nice enough they flocked over him, the “alien”, he couldn’t understand the majority of what they said even Zeb seemed confused from time to time but Kallus did understand they mistakenly assumed he was a servant.

Perhaps they were on to something, but Zeb seemed to hate the idea.

“This is my buddy,” He had snapped at one overly friendly lasat for the third time, the older lasat who kept tailing them muttered something about the rest of a prophecy Zeb had glared at her and dragged Kallus into the tavern, surprisingly the older lasat didn’t follow. Kallus didn’t normally drink, but he gladly accepted the cup Zeb handed him he hoped it would calm the storm of emotions raging inside, the bowl of goo he took less enthusiastically.  
The music reminded him of sleazy pirate tunes and they blasted through the entire tavern there wasn’t a quiet place in the entire building, Kallus’ swore his teeth were rattling.

“Well?” Zeb asked again.

“It is a great surprise,” Kallus said lowly. “Thank you. S-”

“Don’t get mushy on me Kallus,” Zeb grumbled.

“Noted,” Kallus said with a nod, the less emotional, the less painful it was for him. “What was that lady talking about?”

“Which one?” Zeb asked.

“The older one,”

Zeb stared him for a long time then smiled strangely.

“Uh, that’s Chava you have to ignore her,”

“If you say so,” Kallus glanced down at his drink, it was almost gone.

“Want another one?”

“No,” Kallus said shaking his head, he was already feeling dizzy, lasat alcohol was stronger than what he was used to. “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot,”

“Why are we here?” Kallus asked. “What did I do?”

There had to be some reason, some action that caused Zeb to show him this sanctuary now, he hadn’t even known it existed until that morning.

“Nothing,” Zeb said with a shrug. “It seemed like the right time, Hera wants me to tell the Senate about it anyway.”

“Right,” Kallus said, that wasn’t the answer he wanted, but he didn’t want to push his luck.

“And maybe because you weren’t getting any better on your own,” Zeb added grudgingly.

Kallus looked at him haltingly, that was obviously an insult but to what extent Kallus couldn’t tell.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not blind Kallus,” Zeb said. “You mope over Lasan more than I do.”

Kallus was about to justify that fact but Zeb held his hand up.

“You’ve earned this reprieve, take it.”

“I-”

“Am going to listen? I’m glad to hear it,”

Kallus fell silent any protest dying on his tongue, there was no point in arguing with Zeb and he was too tired to try.

“Thank you,”

“You’re welcome,” Zeb said, he leaned back in his seat the perfect size for a lasat and smiled looking very pleased with himself. “You’re going to need another drink, it’s better to be little drowsy for the musical half.”

Again Kallus shook his head and smiled a little bit, five years after he joined the rebellion and he still had a lot of ground to cover, with all of the Ghost crew not just Zeb but things were starting to look up and that single display of trust on Zeb’s part sparked a hope in inside him, if Zeb could extend so much camaraderie towards him, perhaps the others had come to accept him as well without him knowing it. Perhaps his family was more fact than fiction. 

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, I doubt Kallus would be able to visit Lira San without feeling guilty about it, I mean would you be able to if you were him? I know I wouldn’t be able to but I haven’t touched on that very much here I plan to in the future.  
> Few other notes, Kallus doesn’t know about Chava or the prophecy, Zeb isn’t going to tell him because it would sound crazy to him. I like to think Kallus is just looking for a family, he tries to buddy up with Konstantine, Pryce, even Vader and fails each time, I think he finds one in the Ghost crew but he’s made a lot of bad choices probably make it hard for him to attach to them.


End file.
